bitter librarian

Chicken Parents

2006-08-23T18:35:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has worked at a library for a considerable amount of time is sure to have been the victim of Chicken Parents.

A young child is misbehaving in the library: running around, being noisy, damaging property. You know the scene. In this situation, the Responsible Parent knows the child is just testing them. If the Responsible Parent passes the test, the situation is not very likely to repeat itself.

The Chicken Parent, however, is not aware of this fact, or, if they are, have a greater fear than public embarrassment resulting from their child’s constant misbehavior. I’m not really sure what this fear is . . . Being the “bad guy” parent? Growing a spine? Abandoning their own childish behaviors and actually growing up?

Whatever the reason, the Chicken Parent responds to the above situation by saying something like: “If you don’t behave, the librarian will yell at you.” Or tonight’s Chicken Mom actually said, “If you run in the library, the librarian won’t let you check out books.”

Do you see anything inherently WRONG with this?

Yeah, you’re out of luck tonight, Chicken Mom. I save my yelling for my own kids. They deserve it. They are worth it. And people in public places don’t fear them. If you want your kids to behave, you’ll have to grow your own backbone, take the parental leap, and discipline them yourself! I should write a book.

Something for Nothing

2006-07-27T12:47:00.000-05:00

I'm sure we've all noticed (how could you not) those particular individuals who EXPECT something for nothing. Don't we just adore these individuals?

So a mother calls up to renew her son's overdue material. He has previous fines. I tell her his new total of overdue fines: $16.50. I glance through his record. The "child" is high school age.

She is quiet for a moment and then says, "Is there anyway he can get that taken off?" I pause, waiting for her to enumerate the extenuating, life-or-death circumstance which has kept him from returning our property to us. But she says nothing.

No, shame at all. She thinks I should just remove her fines simply because she asked. I might have at least considered her request if she'd had the decency to fabricate a story. I might waive the fines based on creativity alone. (Which I have done before.) In my head I answer her: "Sure, I'll waive your son's fines, just because you asked, even though every other person has to pay them, and even though the library is LOSING money just to stay open. We don't need your $16, or anyone else's either."

Then, not 10 minutes later, I get a call from a man:

"Can you tell me if so-and-so with red hair is in the library?"

Let's stop here and consider this request for a moment. What this gentleman is asking me to do is to leave my post at the desk and venture into every corner of the library, asking every person with red hair if they are so-and-so, while patrons with ACTUAL reference questions wait at the desk and on the phone for my service.

"Is this an emergency?" Thank goodness for standard policy.

"No. I just wanted to know if he was there."

Yeah . . . NO.

No free handouts from the BITTERLIBRARIAN today.

Rules Don't Apply to ME

2006-06-27T16:55:00.000-05:00

I know everyone one will envy me when I tell you I had the privilege today of conversing with one of those rare individuals to whom the rules do not apply.

A woman asks me for help with the copier. We don’t own the copiers. They are owned and serviced by another company. And “a man” comes every so often to take all of the dimes accumulated in the machines, even though we, the librarians, are expected to provide the customer service for them. Like all customer service exploits, we are also expected to be “experts.”

I show the woman the complex method of placing the desired page face down on the glass between the two neon pink arrows. But, to complicate an already highly sophisticated procedure, the woman says that she wants to copy onto a brightly colored piece of paper. She holds up the paper.

I explain to her that she won’t be able to do that.

“Well, I do it all the time at home.”

Then why don’t you go home . . . “These machines are owned by another company. The company doesn’t want any other paper going through because of the possibility of it jamming.”

“Well, what would happen if you weren’t here?”

This is the part about the rules not applying.

“Ma’am, there’s nothing I can do about that.”

“Well, then.” But what her eyes say is: “Leave already.”

I start to walk away, and she says (and I quote): “Which tray should I put it in?”

I wish I was one of those lucky individuals to whom the rules didn’t apply.

CrackMan!

2006-06-23T12:31:00.000-05:00

The front door to the library opens and here he comes . . . Dum-da-da-dum . . . CrackMan! What, you may ask, has earned CrackMan such an ominous nick-name? CrackMan has been thus dubbed because of the view the library staff gets as he pines hours away at the computer.

Is your teenage daughter bored? Does she need someone to view her online profile and tell her how great the posted picture of her cleavage is? Never fear, CrackMan is here. He ties up public internet terminals for weeks at a time. He has fine tuned the clever art of online stalking. He proves once and for all that you don’t have to be a rocket science to find pathetic, lonely teenage girls who will tell you their “most embarrassing moment.”

CrackMan enters the scene, scopes the situation. Hmmmm . . . all terminals are in use. He turns to leave. Don’t be discouraged, CrackMan. There’ll be other days for you to exploit vulnerable teenage girls.

The Title of My Autobiography

2006-06-20T13:27:00.000-05:00

It is my absolute pleasure and purgatory assignment to conduct the selection rituals for adult non-fiction. With the hundreds of titles I go through each month, every once in a while I come upon one or two that really touch me in that right way that every librarian loves to be touched. And then there are those especially brilliant titles deserving of an even higher honor: the stolen title for my autobiography.

Formerly, the reigning champion title was Ruining it for Everyone.

But, ladies and gentleman, there is a new Queen in town. Now my (as yet unwritten) autobiography is entitled: Somebody's Gotta Say It.

(Maybe I should combine them and make it: Somebody's Gotta Say It: Ruining It for Everyone. But I've gotta work the phrase "book junkie" somewhere in there.)

The Meaning of Life

2006-06-17T16:08:00.000-05:00

A young boy (I'm guessing about 9th grade) comes up to the desk and tells me he needs a book about "the value of life."

"Can you be more specific?"

"Well, I have to write a paper and I need a passage from a book about the value of life."

Just for kicks I do a word search for "value" and "life." Sometimes you get lucky. But not this time.

I explain to him, "I don't have any books just about the value of life. Can you pick something more specific? Maybe I can find something about that."

There is a long pause. I can actually hear the wheels in his head grinding together.

"I don't know." He finally stammers. He actually expects me to still find him something.

"Well," I try and say as nicely as possible, "I think that's part of the assignment. So why don't you think about it and come back up."

By the way, could you also just write the paper for me? Hand me the answers to the proficiency and write a college entrance essay?

What a mean, old, rotten librarian I am. Making him do his own assignment. The nerve!

Kennels?

2006-06-15T13:05:00.000-05:00

My manager and I were talking today about the ongoing problem of unattened children in the library. "Unattended children" is a misleading label, the child's parent is actually in the building, just not paying any attention. Anyone who has ever worked in a library will be familiar with this phenomenon. Apparently these parents are under the impression that being under the same roof is applied supervision.

So I suggested we play host to a kennel at the entrance of the library. These would be like the lockers at the entrance of six flags where you can place your valuables and carry around those ever so fashionable little keys.

But then we'd get complaints about not having a quarter machine so the parent could get change. And then we'd have a bunch of kids stuck here. Maybe overnight.

Let's just not even touch on what would happen when the parents actually LEAVES them there while they go to work, or something.

Why I Advocate for Homeschooling

2006-05-16T14:41:00.000-05:00

Ms. Chip-On-Her-Shoulder is a teacher who comes to our library weekly. Teachers are easily identifiable because they are the only ones to check out 50 books about Thomas Jefferson at one time (and see nothing wrong with that).

So Ms. Chip-On-Her-Shoulder comes into the library slashing our thick, musty air with her delightfully raised nostril. After roust-a-bouting for 20 minutes, she approaches the desk, and asks if she can buy our Orlando Bloom READ poster, "in case we ever wanted to get rid of it." In the picture he is topless and strategically holds a copy of The Lord of the Rings in front of himself, cradlingng it like a moist towel. Okay . . . he's not really topless, but that's how I'll always see him.

Yeah, sure. Let me just take it down for you. It only takes AN ACT OF CONGRESS for us to obtain a treasure like a $15 poster for our little ol' library. In fact, why pay for it at all? Just take it for free!

I explain to her that she can get her own poster, with a celebrity of her choice, on the American Library Association's website.

Pause.

"Well," she says with her nose in the air, "I don't do computers."

An elementary school teacher who "doesn't do computers"? No wonder kids would rather have Lincoln's 1980 biography than use a biography database, which the library PAYS for with MONEY.

And believe me, those databases cost a hell of a lot more than a damn Orlando Bloom poster. (And don't ever touch my Orlando Bloom, lady!)

Lawyers . . .

2006-05-10T13:08:00.000-05:00

An older woman, not quite ancient, but definitely a “senior” member of our fair community, comes up to the Information Desk and asks for a “living will.”

“They told me I could get the form for a living will here.”

I’m not sure who this “they” is, but “they” must think the public library is nothing but a warehouse for storing miscellaneous forms. If we really had as many forms as “they” say we do, there would not be any room for books, computers, staff personnel, air, etc.

So I give her the book of personal legal forms. This, of course, is a reference book. I explain this.

“You won’t be able to check this out. It is a reference book. You’ll have to Xerox the form you want.”

Then my partner in crime chimes in, “Then you’ll have to type it up. It’s no good unless you type it up. You can’t just fill in the blanks.”

It’s just proof that ALL reference librarians have a sadistic streak.

“I have to type it?”

“Well, you have to Xerox it first. You can’t take it home.”

“Well,” she says holding up the book, “what’s the point of this?”

I guess she was under the impression that the books only value was that it saved her from having to type her living will. I know I never have any problem creating a legal document from my very own superior librarian memory . . . (WHAT?)

She continues to ask more questions about the document, to which my partner dances in and out of as gracefully as she can behind a computer and a desk, until finally I say,

“We can’t answer those questions.”

“Why not?”

Hmmmmmm . . . There are so many great answers to this question. That’s another blog entirely.

“Because I’m not a lawyer. You’re welcome to sit there and look at it, and use it in the library.”

So she sits, and sits, and sits. She’s there so long that the urge to talk about her to my partner in crime starts to dissipate before she’s gone. Damn her!

After leafing through the book for almost 20 minutes, she replies,

“You almost need a lawyer to read all this.”

I never will get tired of this job.

My Favorite Day of the Whole Year

2006-04-17T11:18:00.000-05:00

This is a sadistic little confession: my favorite day of the year is the day after Tax Day. And it's not because I am relieved to have my taxes done, or any of the other "normal" reasons one might assume if they didn't know me any better. This is the one day of the year I absolutely jump out of bed and rise to the occasion and speed to work because . . . this is the day I get my revenge for every time I've had to answer the redundant question, "Where are the tax forms?"

Believe it or not, for an entire week after Tax Day, people still come streaming into the library looking for tax forms. Unbeknownst to them, however, I arrive EARLY to work on this most special of days and be sure to discard EVERY SINGLE ONE! So that when they come beating down the door, I can say politely (with my most sadistic smile), "We don't have any tax forms." Of course I give them my best spurious, sympathatic expression.

What I don't say, but I think it very loudly and hope they still hear me:

*cakle, cackle* I spent all morning emptying them into the dumpster in the back, howling like a school boy who's just looted his first porn shop and got away with it. They're all just lying there, dormant. Everything you need is only 10 feet from your car, and waiting for you to pick it up and take it home. But you don't know they're there SO YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM! *cackle, cackle*

And while I'm thinking this, if I'm feeling particularly saucey, I'll make it a little joke and say, innocelty of course, "But Tax Day was yesterday."

Do they think the IRS won't notice if they turn it in late? . . . Alas, but that is a topic for another blog.

HAPPY DAY AFTER TAX DAY, EVERYONE! I sincerely hope you enjoy yours!

A Word About Da Vinci

2006-04-10T11:15:00.000-05:00

There’s noting that gets my goose more than these stupid spin-off titles of the popular book The Da Vinci Code. I realize the publishers are just trying to make a quick buck. And I can even understand and stomach the “analysis” books. But come on . . . Work Like Da Vinci: Gaining the Creative Advantage in Your Business And Career and The Diet Code: Revolutionary Weight Loss Secrets from Da Vinci and the Golden Ratio. I'm not making these up. The truth is far more serious. Then there is: Da Vinci Method: Break out and Express Your Fire. And the classic: How To Think Like Leonardo Da Vinci.

Now, let’s take a moment to reflect. Why was the great man Leonardo Da Vinci so extraordinary? BECAUSE HE WAS ORIGIONAL! In his day, while everyone else was reading the lastest diet and self-help books, he was devising new ways of thinking.

The sadest part of these so called “books” is that people are reading them, and worse, people are buying them. “Great! I can learn to be original just like everyone else!”

They Start Early

2006-01-14T10:20:00.000-05:00

Before I could even get the doors open this morning, a "gentleman" was literally beating them down. I made him wait an extra few minutes and then proceeded to unlock them.

"Good Morning," I said in my cheeriest angry voice. "Please don't do that to the doors. You could break them."

He huffs loudly, but I guess decides that I'm not the best target for his discontent. When I return to the desk, he is registering his complaint with one of the girls at the desk. His method of attack: find the weakest link, and sink your teeth in. If he picks on the lowest man on the totem pole, nothing changes and he doesn't have to worry about having nothing to complain about. I come in in the middle of his ambuscade.

"You opened the doors late. And it's cold out there!"

Interesting, since I'm the one who opened the doors, and this poor soul was down here the whole time. Under the intense pressure, I'm rather proud of her counterattack.

"I'm sorry sir, but we can't control the weather."

Way to go! That stunned him to silence.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2006-01-11T16:23:00.000-05:00

Tax season is upon us again. Tax season for libraries is like Christmas in the retail world. I look forward to re-meeting those particularly special members of our community who want to know, "Where the 10W-40 forms be?"

"Well, sir . . . here at the "Lie-berry" . . ."

Today a gentleman approached the desk to inquiry this very quandary. We are currently in the process of installing new shelving and moving sections, so the tax forms have been temporarily moved to an inconspicuous spot. While normally I would point and say, "They are over there . . . where it says TAX FORMS." (Light bulb goes off.) Since I'm not even completely sure where exactly the forms are, I offer to take him there.

"Why don't they put the forms at the front of the library so I can just take it and leave?"

In my nicest BITTERLIBRARIAN voice (because I'm feeling particularly generous today) I say, "Well, we want you to come into the library. We hope you'll see something you like and check it out."

I've obviously offended him. He responds, "Well, that ain't happening."

Because he can't read?

"You should just move the tax forms to the front."

You can see what's coming.

I reply (say it with me): "Well, that aint' happening."

A HARD Days Night

2006-01-09T10:14:00.000-05:00

I have pondered long and hard over whether or not to publish the following story. Some truths are better left unsaid. However, in favor of "advocating for the victimized librarian" and as a subsequent warning to all librarians for any future occurrences, the committee for deciding all things RIGHT and WRONG has reached its final decision. Seeing as how leaving this story untold may cause more damage than telling it.

It was my unhappy duty about a week ago to be the official Librarian-In-Charge when one of our frequent internet users decided to cross that delicate line between appropriate and inappropriate viewing of the female form. I approached him and informed him that he was not permitted to view that kind of material at the library. Of course he argued that since our filter hadn't blocked it, he thought it was okay. In my nicest angry voice I told him that this assumption was incorrect. This particular individual had been kicked off our computers before (fortunately not while I was in charge), and so, this time, I told him, he was banned from library computers for a month, not just the rest of the day.

Not the most exhilarating part of my job, but, fine . . . it was over with anyway. And I wouldn't have to worry about him for another month.

Now you'd think that after being kicked off, and made a spectacle of in front of other internet users, that he would have some kind of shame? I kid you not, he came in WITH HIS WIFE not even two days later! He did not come anywhere near the computers, but "browsed" the stacks, while she perused email.

But WAIT . . . it gets even better!

That same evening, after working the late shift, I stopped at the grocery store (literally on the same block as the library) on my way home to buy baby food. Of course they can't sell these tiny jars in bulk. So I have to buy a kazillion miniscule jars that are a pain to carry and each have to be scanned individually. There are only two check-out lanes open at this lonely hour. The express lane is blocked by a woman with a Y2K supply of food. I head to the other lane. Just as I am putting my kazillion baby food jars on the grocery treadmill, I realize that the clerk is none other than Porn Guy!

Small world!

He was embarrassed enough not to look at me while scanning my kazillion jars. But he's not embarrassed enough to cease re-entering a building where the entire staff knows his "secret" and watches his activity like a paranoid mom at the playground?

Maybe someone can help me out with this one . . .

Is a Ferret a State Animal?

2006-01-05T12:25:00.000-05:00

Second graders at our local elementary school are required to do a project on an animal (apparently this also includes reptiles, birds, and insects) native to our state. As loosely as this "teacher" defines "animal," the project still continues to befuddle parents every year.

"I need a book on a State Animal. Can you show me where the State Animal books are?"

"I can show you where the animal books are . . . it will be up to you to determine whether or not they are from this state."

. . . seeing as how just telling you which animals are State Animals would be doing the project for you.

However, one grandma's solution takes the cake of all State Animal stories. After telling her several times that I wouldn't be able to determine for her which animals were state animals, she finally agreed to let me take her to the animal books, her grandson in tow. I gave her a brief tour of the area: fish, mammals, birds, bugs. And then I left her there.

Fifteen minutes later she returns to the desk and asks:

"Would a ferret be considered a State Animal? People keep ferrets as pets. Would that count?"

After I had left her in the 590's with the animal books, somehow she migrated to the 630's (an entire two stacks over) to the pet books!

"The only person who can make that determination is the teacher. So you'd have to ask her."

"But do you think it would count?"

Are people really so brain dead that they are unable to make a simple common sense determination for a second grade school project? And why is she doing the project in the first place? Why doesn't she let him make the decision? How much is he really learning at this rate?

It's not in my job description to do someone else's homework, or think for someone who refuses to use their own brain. If the public wants me to think for them, then I should, by right, also get to vote for them! Go tax levy!

To Whom Am I Speaking?

2006-01-04T14:33:00.000-05:00

Some people will leap to any extreme to avoid paying the library their rightful money. Why do you think we need public levees passed all the time?

Today our director received a call from a woman who had a book that was long overdue. The director explained to her that she needed to return the book and pay the overdue fine, or pay for the book, to avoid being sent to the library’s collection agency.

“Well . . . my other personality “Sue” checked that book out. I don’t know where it is . . . I won’t be able to find it until “Sue” comes back.”

It's a good thing I'm here to step in at this point.

Bitter Librarian: That’s fine, ma’am . . . Becky, Pat, Bonnie . . . whomever I’m speaking to. Just let “Sue” know that this is going to effect her credit.

One-Stop-Shopping at the Library

2005-12-19T13:09:00.000-05:00

Early this afternoon, a confused, but younger, looking gentleman approaches the checkout desk and asks:

"Do you have any construction paper?"

Well . . . we have a BUDGET for that. We use MONEY to pay for it. And I don't think our Youth Librarian would be very happy about us just GIVING it away to any SCHMOE who asked for it.

While we're on the topic:

The library does not stock office or school supplies for use by the general public. Please do not ask to use our glue, paper, pens, or pencils. All of these things cost MONEY, and seeing as how we are a non-profit business and would like to stay that way, we will not be doling free handouts to the general public. We do not sell computer floppy discs or stamps. Please visit your nearest Walgreens or grocery store for these items.

By the way, the answer to the above question (about construction paper) is:

Yes, we have stacks of construction paper in the back. We have it in many different colors. If you are really that eager to use our construction paper, feel free to sign up for our preschool storytime.

Let's Talk About Donations

2005-12-16T10:37:00.000-05:00

I’m not sure exactly when or how it strikes most people. Maybe they get the suggestion from their mom, are attempting to be more like Martha Stewart, or have encountered some other soul who has decided to bestow their old, ugly, unusable books upon us.

If an individual is so determined to get rid of their books, enveloped in cobwebs from sitting in their garage for a few years, what in God’s name makes them think anyone else would want them?

For the record, we, the public library, do not want every book your grandmother ever owned upon the event of her death. We do not want back issues of National Geographic, TIME, or any other magazine dating back to 1960. We do not want encyclopedia sets that are five years old, no matter how good their condition is. In fact, we don’t even want new books or best-sellers, we have a budget for that. If you want to help us out, if you’re really that desperate to give back to your community . . . RETURN YOUR LIBRARY MATERIALS ONTIME and pay your overdue fines.

This is public warning and fair notice: if you cannot throw away your own trash, the public library will do it for you, however, at the expense of cheating the staff time it uses from actual library services.

Pet Peeves

2005-12-15T10:35:00.000-05:00

One of my biggest daily annoyances is when someone calls me on the phone, asks to renew thier books, and when I ask for their library card number they reply:

"The number on the back?"

No, the number on the FRONT! THERE IS NO NUMBER ON THE FRONT! The card is only a 2 inch x 3 inch piece of plastic! How many places are there to hide a "secret number"?

A Word About Overdue Fines

2005-12-09T17:16:00.000-05:00

I received a call from a gentleman (he was anything but). He had two Chilton’s repair manuals checked out since 2002.

“What do I have to do to take care of this?” he asks me.

“First, you need to return the books, then you need to pay the fine under $25 to avoid collections.”

“How much is the fine?”

“If you return the books the overdue fines will be the price of the books, if you don’t return them you will be charged the price of the books plus a processing fee for each book. By returning the books, you avoid the processing fee.”

“Well . . . is there anything I can do about that . . . because I just forgot to return them.”

You don’t think you should have to pay the overdue charge because you forgot? . . . Because everyone else who pays the overdue charge . . . well, they just did it on purpose.

“I can set up a payment plan for you,” I tell him. “But that’s all I can do for you.”

After a long silence he hangs up.

The Library Tickles the Taste Buds

2005-12-09T17:02:00.000-05:00

A mother comes in with her two sons. Both under the age of five.

“I’m really sorry,” she says, “But my son took a bite out of this book.”

She holds up a toddler board book with a bite-size semi-circle missing from the top . . . the bite went all the way through the book.

I couldn’t resist asking her, “Did he at least enjoy it?”

How Do These People Find Me?

2005-11-29T19:32:00.000-05:00

I’m at the Check-Out Desk and Strange Man approaches with a stack of CDs and DVDs.

He says, “I wanna check these out.”

“No problem, do you have your library card with you today?”

“No, can ya look it up?”

“Sure, what's your phone number?”

He gets a little quiet. “I ain't got no phone, don't want the government know'n where I am.”

Trying to ignore the comment. “OK, what is your last name?”

He asks for a piece of paper. Writes his name down and passes it across the desk to me.

“Umm, you don't seem to be in the computer, is there any other name you go by?”

He’s offended. “I ain't in the computer. I don't want the government know'n where I am.”

“I see, but you can't borrow items from the library without a card. Would you like to get a card?”

“No, I don't wannna be in the computer. My old lady is though.”

“Do you have her card?”

He produces the card. I start putting the CDs and DVDs in the boxes.

“You know,” he says, “CDs are almost extinct.”

Wait for it.

“No, I didn't realize,” I say.

“Yep, they aren't going to be makin' um too much longer.”

Wait for it.

“You know what the government's gonna do, don't ya?”

I look up briefly, but decide to say nothing.

“Were all gonna be implanted with chips that play music and movies in our brains. That's why I don't want the government know’n where I am.” His eyes go WIDE while relaying this information.

And . . . there it is.

He continues, “My old lady though, she don't mind.”

“It is lucky then that she lets you use her library card. Of course, if the government has her address, they already know where you are.”

He shouts: “WHAT???”

By this time I have cased and check out all of his items.

“Here are your items, have a good day!”

“YOU MEAN THEY KNOW WHERE I AM? I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!” He drops the DVDs and CDs on the floor and runs out of the library.

The BITTER LIBRARIAN strikes again!

Got Library Card?

2005-11-15T19:16:00.000-05:00

When purchasing something with a credit card, who would dream of trying to get out of the store without the card? Why do people think they can use the library without a library card? What is the point in issuing cards, if no one is required to use them?

Sulky Girl walks up to the Check Out Desk and places a stack of books on the counter. She stares at me behind bored and sulky eyes. She is not amused.

I wait for a moment out of general politeness. For whatever reason, most people don't remember that they actually are in a library and need a library card to check out. Generally, they just shove their books across the table and expect the computer to automatically register their unique presence.

"I need your library card," I say in my nicest librarian voice.

She is still not amused, and possibly even more bored.

"I don't have it."

Pause.

"Do you have photo ID?"

"No."

Pause. I wait a little longer this time. At this point the person usually scrambles to find some form of miscellaneous identification for my perusal. There is no movement. She has obviously not read the script.

"Well, I need your card or ID to check you out."

It is obvious by this point she has neither, nor does she have any intention of having either. She continues to gaze at me oddly as if to say, "Just where am I? Is this some kind of Twilight Zone Library, where I need ID to check out?"

She left without any books . . . still rather puzzled.

Stinky Pants

2005-11-02T19:55:00.000-05:00

I think some people don't see library workers (and maybe other public employees) as "real" people.

A small boy obviously in diapers is running around while his mother is checking out library materials. Continuously, she repeats to him, "You stink. You stink."

So instead of helping the kid out, and taking him to the bathroom so he can acquire some clean underpants, she picks him up and plops him down on the counter . . . with his stinky-pants 12 inches from my face!

She was right about one thing . . . he did stink!

Who are these parents?

Some People Make You Go Hmmm . . .

2005-11-02T13:50:00.000-05:00

A man comes up to the information desk holding a book. There is a black & white photograph on the cover.

He asks, “Do you have a color copier? I want a copy of this picture in color.”

Te . . . he . . . he . . .

“No, sir. We don’t have a color copier.”

The BITTER LIBRARIAN strikes again!

Got Password?

2005-11-01T18:15:00.000-05:00

Part i

Computer questions are always the best. Mostly because I know so little about computers, and, what’s worse, the general public knows even less.

A woman (we’ll call her Yahoo Woman) comes up to the information desk and asks me for help getting on her email. I don’t have time for this. And it’s actually not my job. But I concede since it will be faster for me to type in the web address for her than explain why I can’t help her. Little do I know . . . I was wrong.

“What kind of email do you have?”

Blank stare.

“What is your email address?”

“YahooWoman@aol.com.”

I type in www.aol.com into the web address box. The page comes up.

I say, “Type in your username here. And your password here.”

“User name?”

“Your email address.”

She types YahooWoman@aol.com.

“What’s my password?”

Blank stare.

“I can’t give you your password.”

“Well, I don’t know what it is. Last time they got me on without my password.”

I assured her there was nothing I could do for her.

Part ii

I am the only librarian present for the day. So I take my lunch in “the back” while still being “on the desk.” My co-worker informs me someone has a question. As I come out, I see (you guessed it) Yahoo Woman, who says (and I quote):

“Oh . . . it’s you.”

Regardless of this greeting, I proceed to explain in my nicest librarian voice everything I have illustrated above, which I will not intrude upon you to repeat, dear reader, as I felt intruded upon to have to repeat it to her.

She continued to sit at the computer for about an hour before she finally left. I guess she didn’t believe me . . . most don’t.

Thoughts on Halloween

2005-10-31T10:20:00.000-05:00

As a matter of public service, all librarians should dress in a costume for halloween.

2005-10-29T16:17:00.000-05:00

The BITTER LIBRARIAN strikes again!

Library vs. Blockbuster

2005-10-29T14:37:00.000-05:00

This year the board raised the fines our library charges for overdue videos and DVDs. This, understandably, caused quite a reaction among our patronage. However, one gentleman’s comment stands out above the rest.

He phones the library and I answer. He wants to renew his movies, all 2 days overdue. I brace myself for impact.

Upon renewing them I inform him that the fine was $1.00 for each movie. He has 22 checked out. Fortunately, the computer does the math for me: a total of $22.00.

Silence.

“How is that possible?” he asks.

I inform him that we recently raised our fines, and re-explain the above: $1.00 per movie equals $22.00.

Silence.

“Well . . . you know Blockbuster just got rid of their overdue charges.”

Several responses charge into my head at this moment, each one wrestling the others to be heard:

1. Well, why are you checking out our movies? It's 3:00 PM and I’m sure Blockbuster is open.

2. Oh, well, if Blockbuster’s not charging fines then we shouldn’t either. Let me just take those off for you.

3. I’m sorry, you’ve called the library. We are a non-profit organization, and do not attempt to compete in the capitalist market.

But the best one of all won out:

“That’s fine that Blockbuster doesn’t charge fines, but they do charge for rental, and ours are . . . free.”

Silence.

I can tell I’m talking to a clone of Einstein.

“Well, yeah.” Click.

Learning to Read . . . Braille

2005-10-26T12:41:00.000-05:00

A woman comes to library to ask if we have any books that will teach her how to read braille. (She's not blind.)

"Do you want books in braille?"

"No. I can't read."

"You can't read braille?"

"No, I can't read. I thought it would be easier to learn to read braille than to learn to read. So I'd like a book that teaches me how to read braille."

Blank stare. And how are you planning to read that book?

Needless to say, I was not able to help her. The BITTER LIBRARIAN strikes again!

Basic Phone Etiquette

2005-10-25T19:09:00.000-05:00

Just received a phone call from a mother (and her 18 month old) apprently. While trying to fulfill the mother's requests . . . well, it was difficult to hear her over the baby pressing various buttons on the handset SHE was using. She ignored her mother's prompts to "Please put the phone down. Please get off the phone." Yeah, because and 18 month old really has an extensive enough vocabulary to really know what she's being asked to do.

What she really needs is a good SMACK in the keister!

While we're on the topic . . . don't call the library, or any other organization for that matter, until:

1. Your child stops SCREAMING! (We can't hear you anyway.)

2. The signal on your cell is strong. (Trust me it won't last.)

3. You have formulated the question you want to ask. (Begining with a statement such as, "I lost my library card." (Silence.) Is not a question.)

How Do You Spell SEE-AL-ACE?

2005-10-25T12:53:00.000-05:00

I am sitting behind the information desk at a small county public library. An old man at a computer asks for my help. (Always a bad sign.)

He says to me, “How do you spell SEE-AL-ACE?”

I attempt to squelch my girlish giggles while imagining the hot, yet wrinkly, little number awaiting his manliness at home. I recall the TV commercial. I’ve seen it hundreds of times. But I cannot remember how it is spelled. And darn if there aren’t a hundred different ways to spell it like it sounds.

“It’s for erectile dysfunction,” he unabashedly announces to me and the rest of the patrons quietly minding their own internets.

Please stop. I can’t take it!

I manage to pass off a laugh as a cough, but I still cannot conjure up the correct spelling.

“I want to get my free sample. My buddy got a free sample, and I want to get mine.”

Enough! I can’t take any more!

Thank GOD for GOOGLE and their spelling “suggestions.” I finally succeed in getting him “hooked up” on the website. And his “excitement” is directed elsewhere.

All in a “hard” days work.

Bringing Sick Kids to the Library

2005-10-24T18:21:00.000-05:00

We are looking to post a sign on our library door which reads, "Please bring your sick kid to our library. We aren't immune to everything yet!"

What is the deal with bringing sick kids to the library? It seems general protocol, at least in our neighborhood, to bring a child to the library after a doctor has pronounced that he must stay home from school for a few days. Although the free babysitting may seem appealing at first, there is nothing more frightening than a BITTER LIBRARIAN who now has the flu! Once we all get the flu, the library will have to close, and our neighborhood will have no place to bring their sick kids.

So please leave your sick kids . . . at home! Where the little runts can get better . . . (God forbid!) Who are these parents anyway?